4 months

A bit belated, but here are some snaps from peanut's 4 month photo shoot. 

breakdown...it's alright

And so it begins...the first of many breakdowns prior to returning to work. My heart aches, it feels broken, in fact. How am I supposed to leave my perfect, darling daughter? How, after nearly 5 months of spending every waking moment with her, staring at her beautiful face, watching her grow and develop before my very eyes, how am I expected to leave her in the care of strangers, day in and day out? Will she know she's loved beyond measure? Will her "teachers" shower with even a fraction of the love Evan and I do on a daily basis? Will she feel abandoned when I leave her each morning? Will she prefer her teachers to me? Will the mornings, evenings and weekends be enough? I can't imagine they will ever suffice. How do millions of women do this day in and day out? I pray for half their strength. It just seems unfair.

In what world is 5 months enough time with your child? Granted, I know I'm one of the lucky ones who was able to take more than 3 months off, but it's simply not enough.  There is an inherent flaw in our social system that only allows mothers a matter of weeks or a handful of months to bond with their newborn child. I'm not going to discuss the extraordinary benefits that those mothers in other countries receive postpartum, as that will just add insult to injury, but as I'm now saddled with the guilt, heartbreak, frustration and sadness that goes along with returning to work post baby, I'm raising my hand with those mothers before me...something needs to change. Our children need something to change. Our families need something to change.

tis the season

Well we have enjoyed, survived and wrapped up Sydney's first holiday season and this is one happy mama. Yes, we loved every bit of it and it was so fun to have a little one in the mix this year, but whoa...a baby and the holidays is a crazy combo. Typically the holidays add a layer of stress I'm not always a champ at dealing with and the addition of having a little baby only added to it. The crazy schedules, the missed sleep, woo wee. But my little darling did so well, and even gave a nice big smile for Santa.
She continues to be such a smiley girl and we continue to do whatever we can to get more smiles from her! I'm so not looking forward to going back to work, knowing that someone else will get her smiles all day. Sad! I can't even really go there emotionally...it's just too sad.  So until then, I shall reap every second of them and enjoy this fleeting time I have with my little lady.
Regarding milestones, here are the latest:

• She laughs! We got our first official, full on belly laugh from her on Saturday. Naturally it was on her changing table as I was undressing her (the girl loves being bare!). But she just started cracking up at the ridiculous noises and faces I was making at her. I immediately called Evan in and we both were laughing right along with her, until she noticed we were laughing. Then, straight faced- this isn't funny guys. 
• Tummy time duration is getting longer and longer, although it doesn't seem like we're any closer to rolling over. All in good time, I know. We'll get there. I just don't want it to happen at Daycare (and thus, will be my mantra for the next 5 years). 
• We've got a "grabber" on our hands. She's discovered what those little appendages are for and is grabbing at everything and holding on for dear life. Some of her favorites are big and little Sophie the giraffe, burp cloths, little blankies, daddy's face and mama's hair. It's so precious watching her discover herself. 
• Jabber.Jaws. The girl loves to talk! This shouldn't come as any big surprise, given who her parents are, but she has so much to say. I love hearing her little voice developing and the noises she makes to express her excitement and happiness. 
• She's happy. We have been so blessed with such a happy baby. Sure, she has her moments of fussiness like any baby, but her smiles far, far out way her cries. How did we get so lucky?

The Holidays in review:

Evan calls this her Godfather face. "I will protect my family"

bffs

Santa love

New Years babies